Today I saw an article linked via Facebook from a friend and entitled "Why Parents Hate Parenting : All Joy and No Fun". Meanwhile, yesterday, on the plane ride home from L.A., I read an article on the myth of the only child.
Strangely, the two articles, although not related in title or, you would think, in subject, do touch on some of the same basic points: namely that parenting is hard work, that having more than one child (and certainly more than two) is either perceived as too hard to even attempt by some or, in retrospect, adversely impacting the enjoyability of life, by others. The articles both also touch upon the financial difficulties that American parents face, especially in comparison with their European counterparts who are blessed with a more compassionate welfare system, and how this impacts the experience of parenting in this country.
Let me begin by saying unequivocally that, by posting these links together, I am not passing judgment on couples who choose to have more than one child. That's not the choice I've made and it's not the reality I grew up with. Yet my husband, who I love and admire very much, is one of three, and all but two or three of my good friends have siblings, so clearly I know that great people come from both multi-child as well as single-child households. As such, this is NOT an attempt to turn my nose up at people who are making different choices from our family.
Yet, reading both of these articles in such close proximity to one another made me just a little sad. What has happened to us, to our lives, that the vast majority of parents actually view bringing up children as a chore that sucks the fun out life?
Not that parenting isn't hard work. Not that there aren't times of challenge, tedium, frustration, and extreme exhaustion. (Some days I want to throw the Thomas The Tank Engine book across the room rather than read it for the 900th time!) Not that there aren't moments when I mourn for the freedoms I had before I had Daisy; the ease with which I could do as I pleased both literally and financially. (Hey, I've been on one foreign vacation in two years and have seen less than 5 movies in the same time period - I get it!) But overall, if you asked me if I was less happy after having Daisy in my life, I would say: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
This weekend I was away in Los Angeles having a great time with a single, childless friend. We had a great time "tooling around", as she likes to say: going here, going there; sitting in the car for long periods without having to fish-out the binkie from some place it had been thrown in the back seat; being out all day without having to return home for naps (or sitting in the car with the engine and AC on, waiting for one to end); having fabulous conversations without interruption; lingering over lunch without having food thrown at us or hearing "done now" screamed at us; and getting home past a toddler's bedtime, sitting on the couch and blogging without having to worry about bath time or story time.
It sounds like bliss. And it was. For 72 hours. But I was happy to come home. My heart swelled to twice it's size when I turned the corner on my street at about 6:30 last night and saw Daisy "tooling around" in the front yard with Hubby, soaking wet from playing in the sprinklers, a big smile on her face as she saw "Mummiesssssss Caaaa" pull in. I could barely contain my fountain of wet kisses on her sweet-smelling little cheeks.
Maybe we all feel like that after being away from home for a while - that's why a change is as good as a rest - but the reality is that I feel like that about my daughter almost ALL the time. Certainly more than not. Maybe I am lucky in ways I can't even fathom. Definitely I have more help than most and more disposable income than some, so some of the day-to-day challenges that many parents experience, I am able to side-step (and happily.) I also have a healthy, happy daughter with no medical or developmental issues and a generally sunny disposition. Yep, I'll cop to it - I have little to moan about.
But life is not perfect. Even when she throws tantrums (or food) I am rarely able to get frustrated or upset with her. Even when she presents Thomas The Tank Engine for the 901st read, I find it endearing and can only feel gratitude that she likes books. Even when she knocks over my shredder bin and tosses tiny pieces of paper all over my office floor, I can only laugh with her because she's so frickin' happy doing it. In fact, the most frustrating part of parenthood for me is nothing to do with Daisy at all - it's my own physical limitations with my back and hip problems.
The fact that I have to worry about picking her up too much, or a certain way, getting her in-and-out of the car, holding her hand because of the poor posture it induces, sitting on the floor and reading a book because my tailbone starts to burn, or chasing her around too much because I can't walk for too long - those are the parental experiences that make me sad, frustrated, and mad. If those issues would just disappear, I could do it all with very little irritation. Sure, I'd still sigh and roll my eyes once in a while, or whine a little dramatically at her every now and again, but as it is now, I wouldn't really mean it.
Have there been time periods where I wanted to tear my hair out? Absolutely. Whenever she's sick it is just miserable for everyone. When you're sick too, the misery is more-than doubled. Will there be times in the future when I'll want to, theoretically, "murder" her? I'm sure there will be - I can think of more than one instance when I would have murdered ME as a kid. But, like my mother before me (and now, as she watches Daisy three-days a week), I enjoy every minute of the time I spend with her and don't begrudge a moment of it. I not only LOVE my little Missy, I like her a whole lot too. She's a heck of a lot more fun to be around than most adults I know; certainly she is more joyful and more interested in wnat I have to say.
Of course, it may be beside that point, that having a child makes you happy. It does appear, at least on the surface level, to be a little selfish to only have a child (or children) to increase your own personal happiness. Maybe our Oprah-generation is over-psychoanalyzing the experience of parenthood? Maybe, as a general rule, few people were ever really that happy having kids throughout history? I would imagine that, if we asked our grandparents why they had kids, their answer would have had very little to do with making themselves happy or happier. Biologically speaking, of course, we procreate to keep our race going, which has nothing at all to do with how we rate on the happiness meter. So, maybe it's our expectation that having children will make us happy (if we were not before) or happier (as if we felt something were still missing,) that ultimately sets us up for disappointment?
I know that, for me personally, I wasn't all that sure I would like parenting at all. In fact, I'd be so bold as to say that I was all-but convinced that I was foregoing all future joy in life (at least for 18 years) the moment I peed on that stick. Once upon a time, I would even have waved these same articles in front of Hubby and my family members' faces to make my case about why having kids probably wasn't for me at all . Perhaps it's the low expectations I brought to the table that left me pleasantly surprised? Who knows?
All I know for sure is that, sacrifices and all, I like being a parent. Although that doesn't appear to be the case for the majority of people surveyed or interviewed for these articles. I don't pretend to know, at least not definitively, why this is (although the articles themselves offer up many theories) but I'm happy to say it's not me. I hope it's not you too.
6 comments:
Being said single, childless friend, I don't think I have much to add, except that I've always thought that when you become a parent you trade in some cool things for other cool things, so it's all good in the end. My own made-up theory is that people who are happy with their lot in life are happy before and after children, and people who are not, are not.
The kind of joy and love that I experienced with my kids are nothing I have experienced before. I'd say without being a parent, I was fine not experiencing them for sure. However, now that I have, I wouldn't trade that for the world. I do complain and whine many a times about how hard parenting is, and how I really fear to be responsible for another (or two) human beings. The truth, however, is that if the world are going to add kids to it, I'd feel better that these two ended up in my house instead of some other people. Not only because they brought me so much joy, but they taught me so much more about love, and I grew as a person as well.
@CBCYouth - I'm glad to hear you are not one of the statistics. :o)
@e - in retrospect, it was a little inarticulate of me to label you as "single and childless". I hope I did not offend. A a person, you should be defined by more than your relationship to marriage and kids. Hopefully you realize that I was using it to make a point that related to me, rather than to pigeon-hole you. And, yes, I agree with you. People are either generally happy or generally unhappy, regardless of their circumstances. What I'm guessing is happening with the statistics, like I said, is that people having kids are expecting their level of happiness to increase and thus are reporting less happiness when the reality actually hits. Whereas those who don't have kids and made that choice, made no life-changing decision to expect a difference in their happiness levels. That's my theory at least. Either that or it's simple: kids don't make most people happy!
No offense taken. I guess kids are like money: they don't make you happy, but if you have a happy disposition to begin with, they help a lot!
Great, beautiful post! I was at the gym, looking at the TV of the fellow next to me when I saw the "All Joy and No Fun" report being featured on some morning talk show. I read the closed captioning for a bit until I realized it didn't fit my reality. I then returned to my treadmill's TV, which was tuned to the Baby Story. Ironic but true! Here's to being happy with whatever life gives you. Cheers!
@cjmonkey - funny you saw the same article.
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