Love to hate the U.S. of A.

There are so many things I love about this country - how friendly and generally optimistic people are, the entrepreneurial and competitive spirit, the patriotism and the beauty of the country itself - of course, I could go on, but I'm not one for effusive praide. However, on the flip side of this, is the appalling lack of support the government provides to it's citizens - first in the region of health care but also in the domain of other benefits.

As a pregnant women thinking about time off to care for a newborn, I'm obviously now delving into the realm of pregnancy leave benefits, and the outlook aint pretty. In fact, I would be happy (or more likely unhappy) to say that (like our health-care system or lack thereof) it is a disgrace to this country and everything it represents. We may be first in medals at the Olympics people, but we've got a long way to go before we treat our average citizens with the compassion they deserve...

Here's an article I found on Money Central @ MSN.net that sheds some global light on this issue.

Take the labor out of maternity leave
U.S. policies for new parents lag behind most of the world -- we're right down there with Swaziland -- but here's how to get time off from work and make it more affordable. By MP Dunleavey


Let me tell you about my encounter with a Swedish woman I happened to meet while on my honeymoon in Greece three years ago.

My husband and I were on the romantic little island of Hydra because we were newlyweds. This woman was lounging on the beach with her husband and two tiny daughters because she was on maternity leave.

Like everyone else in America, I'd heard that Europeans have far more generous maternity policies than we do. There she was, all blond and relaxed, lying on a chaise while her toddler played in the sand with Dad, and her 4-month-old lay next to her under an umbrella.

It was hard not to hate her -- or want to move to Sweden -- when she told me the nauseating amount of time off Swedish mothers get: up to 480 days of paid leave.

I am not arguing that women must get a full year off with 80% pay and free meatballs, as they do in Sweden -- or maybe it was Ikea furniture, I don't know. My head was spinning.

But in terms of time, money and job flexibility, the United States' parental-leave policies lag so far behind everyone else in the world that they're a disgrace.

As a longtime freelancer, when I became pregnant I knew I'd pretty much have to fund my own maternity leave. What I didn't know is that whether you freelance or you're fully employed, it makes little difference: Women and their families face a ridiculous number of hurdles, financial and otherwise, when they try to take time off after the birth of a child.

A flawed law When I said the United States is way behind in its parental-leave policies, I wasn't kidding.

In 2004, Jody Heymann, a professor at the Harvard School of Public Health, studied maternity policies in more than 160 countries. All of them provided some sort of parental leave, paid for by the government -- except Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, Lesotho and . . . the good ol' U.S. of A.Thankfully, we have the Family and Medical Leave Act, which gives mothers and fathers up to 12 weeks off in the event of a birth and requires employers to hold the workers' jobs. Alas, those weeks are unpaid.

I don't know about you, but the number of weeks I can afford to take unpaid is zero.
Even the National Partnership for Women & Families, which wrote the family-leave law and helped to get it passed in 1993, is quick to point out its shortcomings:

• Many people aren't covered by the law because they don't meet its criteria.
• You need to have worked essentially full time for one year for a company with at least 50 employees.
• If workers aren't covered by the law, their employers are under no obligation to provide any maternity leave, paid or unpaid. Nor are they obligated to continue health benefits during any leave workers may take.

So how many companies step up and keep that paycheck coming, at least for a few weeks after you give birth? Probably about half, right?

Try 7%. According to a 2005 study by the Families and Work Institute, a nonprofit research group in New York, only 7% of companies offer at least six weeks off with some pay.

Meanwhile, the number of employees who get fully paid maternity leave of any length dropped to 18% in 2005 from 27% in 1998.

"We live in a personal-responsibility culture, and for a long time now everyone has assumed, 'This is my problem,' " says Joan Blades, a co-founder of MomsRising.org, an online organization that lobbies for family-friendly policies. "But the fact is, when this many people are having a problem, this is a shared societal issue."

It is also a bureaucratic issue. If all you had to do was drum up enough money or save enough paid vacation days, maternity leave would be tough enough. But in addition, expectant parents have to be prepared to tackle numerous other factors that have an impact on their leave periods and their finances:

1. It takes time to take time off. Don't underestimate how long it may take you to arrange the maternity leave that works best for you, your family and your employer. "It took a year of planning," says Lori Quinones, a senior manager at a telecommunications company in Reston, Va. Quinones, who is expecting her second child in January, says that although she's covered by the family-leave law and plans to take those 12 weeks, she'll get only six to eight weeks paid at 85% of her salary, thanks to her short-term-disability coverage. She had to save her vacation days all year in order to get four more weeks paid, a perk that required some negotiating with her manager. In addition, she will roll over five paid sick days; she and her husband saved diligently for the rest. "I have definitely been more creative this time," she says.

2. Plug your financial holes When Brandi Hackney, who does clerical work at a hospital in Boaz, Ala., decided to take the 12 weeks allotted to her under the family-leave law, she and her husband had some financial gaps to fill. "I only had enough paid sick time built up for six weeks off, and since we were living paycheck to paycheck, this was a huge problem," says Hackney.
One of the couple's biggest expenses was a $335-a-month car payment. "As soon as I found out I was pregnant, every extra dime went to pay extra on the car," she says. All the surplus payments were credited toward their upcoming bills, "and pretty soon we owed nothing for several months in a row."In addition, Hackney says, she stocked up on as many household basics as she could in advance, from toiletries to frozen food. "Think about buying the small stuff you don't normally think about," she says. "Even a book of stamps can make a difference if you're going to be really strapped for cash."

3. Investigate company policies. Maternity leave isn't like vacation time; you don't just give your boss some dates and take off. Company policies differ wildly, so learn the terms well in advance. "Employers differ in whether you can use your accumulated sick days or vacation time as part of your maternity leave," says Debra Ness, the president of the National Partnership for Women & Families, the nonprofit advocacy group in Washington, D.C., that wrote the family-leave law and is working to expand it. Some employers require that you use your personal time first, as Hackney learned when she talked to her personnel department. "The rest of your leave is unpaid, unless you have short-term-disability coverage, which I didn't," Hackney says.Hackney was also surprised to find out that because she was on unpaid leave, she had to make provisions to cover her health-insurance premiums. Her 401(k) contributions were also discontinued. "Since I wasn't making money, I wasn't contributing anything," she says.
If you are getting part of your salary, you may also want to change your tax withholdings, adds Deven McGraw, the chief operating officer of the National Partnership. "Otherwise that first paycheck can be a bit of a shock."

4. Be a legal eagle. Many women don't realize that some states have put their own spin on the family-leave law, Ness says. "Some states offer 16 weeks off instead of 12," she says, in addition to other changes that may apply. California, Hawaii, New Jersey, New York and Rhode Island offer short-term-disability coverage that can be used for maternity leave. California is the only state that offers six weeks of paid parental leave, at 55% of pay, to almost all of its residents.
Ness recommends contacting your state department of labor for further information. You can also contact the National Partnership itself, which has analyzed family-leave policies state by state.

I wish I could say we lived in a place and time that made it easier for new parents to take time off and not worry about money, but being prepared is half the battle.

The other half will be raising our voices to let corporate and political leaders know that this situation is intolerable.

-----------------

I do know, from having employees I know take pregnancy leave at my company, that I can use sick and vacation pay to cover time off and that my employer continues to pay for my health insurance during that time. Plus I live in California where the benefits seem more generous and pay a portion of my pay check each month to that cute duck at Aflac, for private Short Term Disability insurance which will pick up some of the slack. So, I suppose I should consider myself to be one of the "lucky" ones.

Yet, the reality is that I actually take my vacations (unlike a vast majority of overworked Americans) and so, best case scenario, will only have 1-2 weeks of paid vacation available to me by the time I give birth, plus 3 weeks of sick time (providing I don't need any prior to delivery.) So, we're looking at 5 weeks max of paid time and then whatever disability provides which is around 55-80% (combined - private and State) of my pay.

For most American women this might sound like a dream situation but that in itself is just sad. As if it isn't hard enough to bring up a child in this country - health care costs, child care costs, falling school standards, cost of college - at a time when mother/father-t0-baby bonding is the most important, our government leaves us stressed-out scrimping and scraping to make ends meet. Shame on you America. Shame on you.

Couldn't wait, fruit cocktails, and other thoroughly uninteresting stories

Yesterday Hubby and I finally told my Mum and Dad. After a week of waiting for the darn "surprise package" to arrive, and with today being a Bank Holiday, we felt compelled to spill the beans rather than wait for Tuesday's mail. Here's how we did it...

Hubby has been helping Mum and Dad by getting some bids together for remodeling their house out here. So, I used this as an opportunity to get all 4 of us on the phone together. This was Hubby's script, more-or-less verbatim:

So, I've been getting bids for the tiling and the kitchen for you but I think that, ultimately, you're going to need to come out sometime early next year. We're thinking April, because that's when the baby is due.

Silence. "Whaaaat!?" (Dad). Sniffles (Mum). "Oh my God!" (Dad again). Lots of half-laughing, half-crying, congratulating etc... Funny but most of the congratulations and "good jobbing" seemed to go to Hubby. I guess his guys traveled the farthest but seriously! Although, with a queasy stomach, I couldn't think about much I wanted to be congratulated for.

Needless to say M&D are beyond themselves with happiness. Dad immediately rummaged through the liquor cabinet like a madman, grabbed a bottle of champagne and proceeded to bop Mum on the head with a flying cork. He also claimed he would be smoking his "special occasions" cigar, which has been sitting in a drawer for a "special occasion" ever since I can remember. Hence, it's probably more like a special occassion pile of ashes by now. Mum blubbed for a good five minutes and then set about trying to tell me about all the "good ways" this was going to change my life. Thanks, I said, but that's 7 months away and right now I'm just trying to get through the next 7 hours of energy-sapping nausea, exhaustion, and bile-belching.

Which is a great segue to how I'm doing. BLECH. That's all I have to say. All Sunday's exciting plans for Hubby and I to do something fun together trickled away hour-by-hour as we waited for me to get a second (or maybe even first) wind. A trip to the fair was ousted because of the heat which doesn't help with the nausea and exhaustion. Then an excursion to see some million-dollar foreclosure homes was eliminated when we found ourselves literally hanging off each other in exhaustion, staring at the computer screen. (Hubby was tired too after a busy week - he only gets one day off). Instead we settled for staying home and watching one of our Planet Earth DVDs. The last time we allowed ourselves to relax during the day like this was the weekend after my hip surgery, so you know I'm not exaggerating about how we felt. The highlight of our day was heading out to Raleys to buy groceries and then coming home to make Penne Bolognese, which Hubby did while I lolloped on the couch like a lump of lard, watching Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.

In other news, my daily pregnancy e-newsletter tells me that the baby has grown to the size of a blueberry and my uterus is now the size of an orange. I guess, to complete our family fruit cocktail, that makes Hubby a banana - STILL, since there's pretty much nothing going on with him. Lucky bastard.

Losing our mind

On Saturday of last week, Hubby and I sent out a parcel to my parents, containing a "Congratulations, you're going to be grandparents" card and a Grandparents Memories book. The package is labeled all over with the words: Do not open until you call me.

This, obviously, is the plan to tell my parents. Since they're 6,000 miles away, we figure they get the honor of being told first. Meanwhile, Hubby's family get the honor of being told in person. It's only fair.

I sent the package Priority Mail and paid $50, so every day this week when I have called Mum and Dad, I have been waiting for them to say, "what's this package you sent me, then?" Each time I pick up the phone to call them, I get a flutter of excited butterflies in my stomach. I can't wait to hear their reaction!

BUT, it's now Friday, I already called them today and THEY DON'T HAVE IT. It's almost a week and IT'S KILLING US. I've had regular mail get to them faster.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any kind of "tracking" on the package, so I can't see where it is in transit but, knowing our luck, it's been lost, or incorrectly delivered. Right now, Sandeep and Hussein Parwani are having a heart attack because they're convinced their good little Pakistani daughter has got herself knocked up by some infidel.

On another, only somewhat related note, this week has been hard. The nausea has been hitting me first thing in the morning and pretty much carries through to early afternoon. The only thing that seems to cure it is continuous eating. Of course, healthy snacks are not always what baby wants. I can't just choose what to eat whenever I get an 'attack'; only certain foods sound palatable at any given moment in time. Sometime's it's strawberries but sometimes it's a PayDay bar. Whatever it is, I literally have to stuff something in my mouth every 60-90 minutes to avoid body-sapping nausea. At this rate I'm going to gain the entire 30 lbs in the first trimester. Groan.

At night, the exhaustion is getting worse. I've managed to figure out how to power-through the lead-eyes at about 8pm (interactively engage my mind, somehow) but once I get to 9-9:30, I literally start to feel as though I've been hit by a truck. The tiredness is so bad that I start to feel ill. Last night at about 9:45pm (only 15 minutes before our usual bed time) I asked Hubby if he would like to go to bed. He said no, he wanted to wait up some more. Normally, this is something I would happily do, just to go to bed together. Last night I literally couldn't sit on that couch one second longer. "Just a few more minutes!" Hubby begged, but I couldn't do it. So I crawled up the stairs and into bed. I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow.

Week 7 yuckiness

Depending on which of the e-mail newsletters you want to believe, I am either 7 weeks pregnant and in my 8th week starting today, or in my 7th week. It's all confusing but, because I am impatient and would prefer to think I am ahead of the curve, I'm only paying attention to the furthest out info.

Today I got an embryo update that included some details I would just rather not know. There is such a thing as TMI. You'll know what I mean when you read this...

Week 7: Head, Almost Shoulders, Knees, and a Glimpse of Toes

How does your baby grow? Pretty fast, actually. This week, your baby's length is approximately a quarter of an inch — the size of a blueberry. Sounds pretty tiny still? Consider this for a little perspective: Your baby is 10,000 times bigger now than it was at conception a month ago.

The biggest growth this week is your baby's head (the better to store all those smarts in), with new brain cells being generated at the rate of 100 cells per minute. How's that for a budding genius?

And talking about buds, your baby is going out on a limb this week as his or her arm and leg buds begin to sprout and grow longer (and stronger), dividing into hand, arm, and shoulder segments — and leg, knee, and foot segments (though the limb buds look more like paddles than hands or feet at this early stage).

Also forming this week are your baby's mouth and tongue. And although your embryo is just one month old, it's already gone through three sets of kidneys. The ones in place now are the permanent set and are poised to begin their important work of waste management. In about a week, your baby will start producing urine. Lucky for you, there's no need for diapers (yet). As your baby matures inside you, much of that urine will be excreted into the amniotic fluid, swallowed again by your baby, and then excreted again in a continuous cycle.

Ummm... ok. EWWWWWWWWW. Who knew babies nourished themselves on their own piss? Sorry, I'm a little freaked out on that one.

New news

Into week 7 now and the lethargy is beginning to sneak-up on me. 9am this morning felt like 9pm last night but I pushed through, kept hydrated and it died out after an hour or two. I don't have enough time (or money) to let this baby sideline me before it's born - that's the two-sided blessing of working for commission.

I'm also feeling a tad queasy although I wouldn't yet classify it as "sick" or "nauseous". It just feels like I've gone 8 hours without eating although I just ate and my body has this weird blood-racing feeling, as though I ate a bottle of ephedrin diet pills. Yeah.... woohoo. Not.

Last Friday was our first official "pre-natal" appointment at the Ob/Gyn's office, although it was only with the pre-natal nurse: medical history, forms, paperwork, advice, guidelines, dos and don'ts, two lots of peeing in a cup and enough blood taken to sustain a newborn for a year. We won't hear anything back unless there's something wrong (yep, just try and imagine my face for the next 24 hours every time the phone rings) and the next appointment isn't for another 4 weeks. So, all-in-all, pretty uneventful so far.

Gladly 6 WEEKS not 6 months

It is ridiculously hot once more in Sac. Temperatures are in the 100s and it's impossible to be outside for more than 10 minutes after noon. Our AC (even though brand-spanking new and set to 78 degrees) came on this morning at 5:30am. Yes, 5:30am.

So, all I have to say to this is HALLELUJAH I am only 6 weeks along and not 6 months. I can't imagine carrying a big old baby in my belly and dealing with this heat.

6 weeks today

Today is officially day 1 of our 7th week of pregnancy, so we're 6 weeks pregnant. According to the internet (which knows everything, of course) our baby is 0.16 to 0.2 inches long (4-5mm) when measured from crown to rump and is now identifiable as a human baby (although from the pic below it looks more like a salamander).

The limb buds are growing rapidly, developing into little fins with nodules at the ends which will eventually become fingers and toes. The arms have already differentiated into hand and shoulder segments.

The cerebral hemispheres of the brain are growing, and the eyes and nostrils are appearing. Our baby's heart bulges from its body and the heart chambers are divided and formed. Blood vessels now circulate blood throughout the whole body. The head looks large and is bent on the chest.

Our baby's face is forming, but its eyes are on the sides of its head and are still sealed. The discs that will become our baby's eyes will move over to the front of the face over the course of the next few months.

Bone cells are beginning to develop and the outline of the baby's nervous system is complete. The pigment in our baby's eyes can be seen under the skin overlaying them. By this point there is also a pancreas and an appendix. The tail is still visible, but it will soon fade. The umbilical cord is growing and the placenta is maturing as well.

Here's an "inside look" at what baby vixen may look like right now... Tee hee, it's just weird to think that this is inside me.

All of this is hard to believe given that the sum total of my pregnancy symptoms right now include two sore nipples and a distinct inability to keep my eyes open after 9pm.

The urge to tell is getting unbearable

Initial worry about how this pregnancy is going to turn out has turned into an almost irresistable urge to tell our family and friends.

When we found out, we made a pact to tell our families sometime after the results come back from our first pre-natal visit where blood tests etc... would (fingers crossed) confirm that everything was on-track. That visit is next Friday and we're having trouble keeping the news in.

Last night we babysat our niece, Adah, who is 22 months old. During the course of the evening we realized that she has become somewhat of a verbal mimmic and so we toyed with intentionally "letting the cat out of the bag" by telling Adah that she would have a cousin soon and that her Aunty had a baby in her belly. I don't think she caught-on enough to wake up this morning and repeat it to her parents, but we thought it would be a really funny way for them to find out. Doubtful it will work, which, I guess, is kind of why we did it.

As for me, I'm doing good. Barely know I'm pregnant. Early symptoms of some mild cramping etc.. seem to have all-but disappeared and boobs only seem to get sore at night. Only one night this past week was it so unbearable that I reached for the cool-gel inserts. After that episode the hormones seemed to die down a bit. They say there are surges, so I'm just appreciating the lull.

Pregnancy and Real Estate - strange bedfellows?

Would you believe that you have to wait 10 weeks before an Ob/Gyn doctor will see you, once you're pregnant? Ok, if you're not new to this whole pregnancy/motherhood thing, you're not at all surprised. But I was.

I got my referral from my doctor yesterday and spoke with the appointment setter at the practice I'm going to be going to. I get a prenatal nurse appointment at 6-8 weeks to go through blood tests, medical history etc.. and only then a Ob/Gyn appointment at 10-12 weeks.

Based upon everything I'm seeing and reading, it pretty much seems to me that nobody in the medical field is interested in a pregnant woman unless she's made it past the 8 week mark. Given that 50% of first-time pregnancies result in an early miscarriage, I'm guessing these doctors want to make sure that this baby is hanging in there for the long haul before they start investing any real time in you. 50% of their referrals probably don't even end up coming in for that first appointment. I guess that's one way to make sure you've always got room on your schedule.

Talking to Hubby about it last night, he likened it to the loan pre-approval process for the buyers he works with. In the current real estate and credit climate, it's just not worth his time to take out any buyer unless they have already been pre-approved by a lender. A good portion of his potential buyers don't qualify for a loan these days, which kicks them out of the process right away.

So, there you have it - pregnancy and real estate have something in common. Who knew?

Hormones or ...?

The last few days have just been weird for me.

I'm guessing it's just hormones going all over the place but I've been experiencing extreme anxiousness, agitation, impatience, and nervousness. I'm, at turns, tired and then full of adrenaline. I feel like there's no way I will get to sleep at night but then zonk-out immediately. But then I wake up early, the butterflies in my stomach start, and I can't get back to sleep. I constantly feel as though I'm getting ready for a big presentation - about ready to step on the stage in front of thousands of people. I don't want to do anything but then I feel like I have to be busy with something. I'd like to stay in but then I think I'll go crazy unless I go out. I'm always a little hungry but then can only force-down a little when I start. (No nausea, though.)

Actually, it feels a lot like coming off of the narcotic painkillers I took after my surgery. Yes, I feel like a druggie coming off a high. And no, I haven't been taking anything I shouldn't have - Tylenol (which incidentally is thoroughly worthless for relieving even the slightest headache - I'm going to miss my English Nurofem with codeine and ibuprofen) is the only medication that's been in my body for more than a month.

Last night, on a tip, Hubby and I headed to Goores (a high-end BabiesRUs here in Sac) to purchase some hot/cold gel packs especially made to fit in with your bra. Obviously, I don't need to tell you why I needed those. But this morning I woke up and not a smidge of tenderness in my boobs. What the heck?

Of course, every little symptom or lack thereof is currently resulting in me rushing to my PC to Google it. What I'm getting from this maniacal anxiousness and worry is that pretty much everything can either be (a) normal or (b) something to worry about. Almost every symptom you can imagine (aside from the obvious signs that something is wrong) can either be attributed to an impending miscarriage or your hormones seesawing like a 4 year old in the local playground. So, I've resolved to worry about nothing except extreme, sudden pain or sudden, heavy bleeding. I have neither right now. Ergo, I need to stop worrying!

God knows where this worry-wort in me comes from - its certainly not a normal part of my personality. I'm the kind of gal who reasons with herself, talks herself out the other side, and in 10 minutes has pretty much moved on. So, again, I have to conclude that it's that damn seesaw again.

I'm going to be glad when I'm past the first 8 weeks, have had my first ultrasound, and feel like things are a bit more set-in-stone and stable. I know Hubby feels the same way. While we're excited, most all of our conversations end with "well, it's still early and anything can happen." At least I've got hormones to blame for my doom-and-gloom attitude, I don't know what his excuse is! ;o)

Seriously, we just want this little thing to hang on in there. We want to get excited and attached because this is exciting and it is our baby-to-be. On the other hand, we're frightened it could all go away with such little fanfare right now that we're not quite allowing ourselves to get emotionally attached to the our ball of cells, or the outcome.

This is going to be a looooong 8 weeks.

Making adjustments

Today we purchased decaffeinated French Roast coffee and alcohol free wine. The latter was purchased after I spent almost every waking minute between 5pm and 10pm since Friday, thinking about how much I was missing my "wind down" glass of wine. Frankly, the alcohol free 'wine' tastes more like carbonated white grape juice but it looks like wine in my wine glass and so, like a plastic cigarette for a smoker, I'm going to pretend. Blech... I just had another sip. I'm going to have to pretend real hard.

My first day of "being" pregnant

The news has been sinking in slowly.

Last night, Hubby and I both agreed that we're having trouble really feeling pregnant. I don't mean in the physical way, I mean in the emotional, sense-of-realization way.

"All day, as I was driving around, I kept trying to make myself feel like it was real," he told me.

I felt the same way.

Where was the shock-and-awe? The tears of joy? The feeling of elation? Somewhere underneath the feelings of disbelief (still), I think, and fear that, because it is so early, it could all go away any day and there was nothing we could do about it. Also, I think we need to realize that we're not characters on a TV show or movie, and that (just like movie-sex) real life isn't always as intense or dramatic. Seriously! Other than watching fictional characters learn they're pregnant on-screen, what experience do we actually have of real people looking at that pink line appear on the home pregnancy test? It's not something you're usually in the room for. For all we know, this somewhat muted experience of slow absorption and slight denial, could be the norm.

I guess it also depends on how long you've been trying or how much you've staked on the outcome.

We consider ourselves to be extremely fortunate in that we have only really been trying for a few months and, honestly, have only been full-on serious for one. Having this happen so early in the process probably has a lot to do with how quickly and easily it seemed to happen. Now, we're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In terms of how much we've staked on the outcome ... well, don't get me wrong, we wanted this, we planned this, and we're excited it's happening but, if it didn't work out naturally for us, I know that we would have been ok with that too. We agreed up-front: no drastic fertility treatments. If it came down to it, we would adopt. In the meantime, there's a whole lot of places I would have traveled and a whole lot of things I want to experience in my life that I would have got on and done instead. I know this seeming ambivalence is probably alien to people who already have kids or who desperately want them and can't or don't yet have them, but everyone's different. This is us.

So, aside from the soul-searching and the desperate attempt to make our feelings fit into a Hollywood movie plot, there hasn't been much to report on the physical side.

I've been getting some cramps, which are probably implantation cramps, but nothing to worry about. And my nipples appear to be growing to the size of saucers. Yes, just the nipples. The rest still seems stubbornly glued to my sternum.

This morning, as Hubby left for work, he bent down and kissed my belly. I had to direct him a bit lower because I think he was closer to last night's salmon tacos than the clump of cells in my uterus, but it was the first time that I actually 'felt' pregnant.

I guess it will be the little things like this that, over time, make it 'real' for us.

UH OH!

Today is Friday, August 1st 2008 and today we confirmed that I am pregnant. Yes, that's right, TravelVixen is doing the almost unimaginable -- becoming a mother.

Of course, Hubby had a part in this too. Upon receiving the news a couple of days ago that I thought I was, his reaction was: "I told you my boys could swim!" Yes, well, quite. We're not a particularly lovey-dovey couple, so this seemed strangely fitting.

Although I'm writing this post, I'm going to keep this blog hidden for a while. You just never know what can happen in the first few weeks of pregnancy, especially when it's your first. So, we're not telling family and friends for 5-6 more weeks yet. Partly it's fear that it might not be sustained and part of it is disbelief that it is actually true.

It's funny because I was expecting a surge of excitement and fear when we found out. Tears and hugs and all that. But we've been trying for a few months, had a couple of false hopes, and so it has, so far, been kind of a muted reaction for both of us. As I said, I don't think we yet believe it's true and somehow feel something is going to go wrong so we better not keep our hopes up. We've heard so many stories of people having problems conceiving, I think we half convinced ourselves we would be one of them. The process of confirming the positive hasn't helped much. It's been a series of maybes vs. one, undoubtable "positive".

My first positive home pregnancy test was two days ago and, let me tell you, it was a very faint positive. You had to look real hard to see that second pink line. But, given that I had never had any inkling of a pink line before, I went to the doctor for a second opinion

"Any kind of a second line usually means positive," she said, "but let's confirm with another test here."

So, I peed again for the benefit of the doctor. Same thing... very, very faint line. So, then she sent me for a blood test. (Ouch! We all know how much I like needles. Yes, this going to be a fun pregnancy.) The results of the blood test came back yesterday and they missed one of the two tests that the doctor ordered - the most important one, the "positive" or "negative"! So, we spent all day yesterday waiting for the phone to ring, calling the doctors office, and generally pissing off the receptionist. Then my doctor called last night and told me she yelled at the lab (atta girl!). She said they were re-doing the test pronto and we would get a definitive answer this morning.

Being impatient, I, of course, couldn't wait. Two days has passed since my last HPT and I had one more left in the box, so I decided to pee on yet another stick to see if the line was still there and/or was any darker. The picture above is the result of that test. As you can see, no doubt about two lines there.

Later on in the morning, the nurse from my doctor's office called to tell me I was indeed pregnant but probably only about 1 week. Talk about an early warning system! One of the reasons we don't want to share the news yet is that it is so soon and so much could happen in the next few weeks.

And so the process begins. I'm not sure how I feel about the prospect of being pregnant - I'm certain I will not like the frequent prodding and blood-letting or spreading my legs on a regular basis for detailed study. I'm also pretty sure that putting on a ton of weight (which hopefully I won't do) will not make me a happy bunny. Morning sickness (fingers crossed I don't get it), back-aches, sore engorged boobs (although the engorged don't sound bad), impact on my hip/leg, frequent peeing, difficulty sleeping, discomfort... yep, not looking forward to any of that either. And that's without mentioning the excrutiating pain of labor and/or any other complications that go with it. As we all know, it doesn't end there: sleepless nights, pee and poop, diaper expenses, medical expenses, the anxiety of being a first-time mother and not knowing what the hell you're doing... Do I need to underline the fact that I do not view pregnancy or motherhood through rose-tinted glasses?

Yet, I know there's another side to all of this and I am excited and intrigued about the journey ahead. I think I have a healthy amount of fear and dread, quite honestly. As is uniquely me, I would much rather go into this eyes wide open and be pleasantly surprised from time to time, than look ahead at the "magical process that is pregnancy and motherhood" (yawn) and wind-up disillusioned when the experience doesn't match the dream. I don't pretend to be "prepared" or "ready" and think that any prospective mother or father who says they are, is actually in for a whole lotta surprises. In fact, I embrace the unknowable of this experience whole-heartedly - the bad and the good. My only expectation is that most of my expectations will be shattered.

So, it's with this that I sign off my first entry in this (currently secret) blog, promising to share here the good, the bad, and the ugly (yes, be warned, even the ugly) of this process with you (the readers of the future), without reservation and very soon.