My first day of "being" pregnant

The news has been sinking in slowly.

Last night, Hubby and I both agreed that we're having trouble really feeling pregnant. I don't mean in the physical way, I mean in the emotional, sense-of-realization way.

"All day, as I was driving around, I kept trying to make myself feel like it was real," he told me.

I felt the same way.

Where was the shock-and-awe? The tears of joy? The feeling of elation? Somewhere underneath the feelings of disbelief (still), I think, and fear that, because it is so early, it could all go away any day and there was nothing we could do about it. Also, I think we need to realize that we're not characters on a TV show or movie, and that (just like movie-sex) real life isn't always as intense or dramatic. Seriously! Other than watching fictional characters learn they're pregnant on-screen, what experience do we actually have of real people looking at that pink line appear on the home pregnancy test? It's not something you're usually in the room for. For all we know, this somewhat muted experience of slow absorption and slight denial, could be the norm.

I guess it also depends on how long you've been trying or how much you've staked on the outcome.

We consider ourselves to be extremely fortunate in that we have only really been trying for a few months and, honestly, have only been full-on serious for one. Having this happen so early in the process probably has a lot to do with how quickly and easily it seemed to happen. Now, we're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In terms of how much we've staked on the outcome ... well, don't get me wrong, we wanted this, we planned this, and we're excited it's happening but, if it didn't work out naturally for us, I know that we would have been ok with that too. We agreed up-front: no drastic fertility treatments. If it came down to it, we would adopt. In the meantime, there's a whole lot of places I would have traveled and a whole lot of things I want to experience in my life that I would have got on and done instead. I know this seeming ambivalence is probably alien to people who already have kids or who desperately want them and can't or don't yet have them, but everyone's different. This is us.

So, aside from the soul-searching and the desperate attempt to make our feelings fit into a Hollywood movie plot, there hasn't been much to report on the physical side.

I've been getting some cramps, which are probably implantation cramps, but nothing to worry about. And my nipples appear to be growing to the size of saucers. Yes, just the nipples. The rest still seems stubbornly glued to my sternum.

This morning, as Hubby left for work, he bent down and kissed my belly. I had to direct him a bit lower because I think he was closer to last night's salmon tacos than the clump of cells in my uterus, but it was the first time that I actually 'felt' pregnant.

I guess it will be the little things like this that, over time, make it 'real' for us.