UH OH!

Today is Friday, August 1st 2008 and today we confirmed that I am pregnant. Yes, that's right, TravelVixen is doing the almost unimaginable -- becoming a mother.

Of course, Hubby had a part in this too. Upon receiving the news a couple of days ago that I thought I was, his reaction was: "I told you my boys could swim!" Yes, well, quite. We're not a particularly lovey-dovey couple, so this seemed strangely fitting.

Although I'm writing this post, I'm going to keep this blog hidden for a while. You just never know what can happen in the first few weeks of pregnancy, especially when it's your first. So, we're not telling family and friends for 5-6 more weeks yet. Partly it's fear that it might not be sustained and part of it is disbelief that it is actually true.

It's funny because I was expecting a surge of excitement and fear when we found out. Tears and hugs and all that. But we've been trying for a few months, had a couple of false hopes, and so it has, so far, been kind of a muted reaction for both of us. As I said, I don't think we yet believe it's true and somehow feel something is going to go wrong so we better not keep our hopes up. We've heard so many stories of people having problems conceiving, I think we half convinced ourselves we would be one of them. The process of confirming the positive hasn't helped much. It's been a series of maybes vs. one, undoubtable "positive".

My first positive home pregnancy test was two days ago and, let me tell you, it was a very faint positive. You had to look real hard to see that second pink line. But, given that I had never had any inkling of a pink line before, I went to the doctor for a second opinion

"Any kind of a second line usually means positive," she said, "but let's confirm with another test here."

So, I peed again for the benefit of the doctor. Same thing... very, very faint line. So, then she sent me for a blood test. (Ouch! We all know how much I like needles. Yes, this going to be a fun pregnancy.) The results of the blood test came back yesterday and they missed one of the two tests that the doctor ordered - the most important one, the "positive" or "negative"! So, we spent all day yesterday waiting for the phone to ring, calling the doctors office, and generally pissing off the receptionist. Then my doctor called last night and told me she yelled at the lab (atta girl!). She said they were re-doing the test pronto and we would get a definitive answer this morning.

Being impatient, I, of course, couldn't wait. Two days has passed since my last HPT and I had one more left in the box, so I decided to pee on yet another stick to see if the line was still there and/or was any darker. The picture above is the result of that test. As you can see, no doubt about two lines there.

Later on in the morning, the nurse from my doctor's office called to tell me I was indeed pregnant but probably only about 1 week. Talk about an early warning system! One of the reasons we don't want to share the news yet is that it is so soon and so much could happen in the next few weeks.

And so the process begins. I'm not sure how I feel about the prospect of being pregnant - I'm certain I will not like the frequent prodding and blood-letting or spreading my legs on a regular basis for detailed study. I'm also pretty sure that putting on a ton of weight (which hopefully I won't do) will not make me a happy bunny. Morning sickness (fingers crossed I don't get it), back-aches, sore engorged boobs (although the engorged don't sound bad), impact on my hip/leg, frequent peeing, difficulty sleeping, discomfort... yep, not looking forward to any of that either. And that's without mentioning the excrutiating pain of labor and/or any other complications that go with it. As we all know, it doesn't end there: sleepless nights, pee and poop, diaper expenses, medical expenses, the anxiety of being a first-time mother and not knowing what the hell you're doing... Do I need to underline the fact that I do not view pregnancy or motherhood through rose-tinted glasses?

Yet, I know there's another side to all of this and I am excited and intrigued about the journey ahead. I think I have a healthy amount of fear and dread, quite honestly. As is uniquely me, I would much rather go into this eyes wide open and be pleasantly surprised from time to time, than look ahead at the "magical process that is pregnancy and motherhood" (yawn) and wind-up disillusioned when the experience doesn't match the dream. I don't pretend to be "prepared" or "ready" and think that any prospective mother or father who says they are, is actually in for a whole lotta surprises. In fact, I embrace the unknowable of this experience whole-heartedly - the bad and the good. My only expectation is that most of my expectations will be shattered.

So, it's with this that I sign off my first entry in this (currently secret) blog, promising to share here the good, the bad, and the ugly (yes, be warned, even the ugly) of this process with you (the readers of the future), without reservation and very soon.