BABIES ARE NOT PEAS!

I'm getting a bit irked with the number of people who insist that I should provide a brother or sister for Daisy; people who just can't seem to understand that I'm serious when I say that one is the perfect number.

The typical response is something like: "Never say never" or "You say that now..." as if I'm a three year old who won't eat peas and will eventually grow out of it.

First of all, if you fall into this camp, let me say four things:

1. You clearly don't know me well. When I make my mind up, I make my mind up. It's made up. Get over it. (Incidentally, this is not a unilateral decision - Hubby agrees - but this post is about me.)
2. You don't live in my body and have not been through the roller-coaster of physical limitations and pain that I have in the past 18 months. I do not want another c-section and I don't think my hip could handle another pregnancy without more, lasting damage. Ergo, I do not want another hip surgery. All surgeries, ix-nay. Gettit?
3. I am not evangelizing single-childhood to you as if it's the only, possible and sensible way forward. Should I be running around telling all my mommy friends "Oh, you say you want another one now, but you just wait..."?
4. Babies are not peas! You can spit peas out. Any mother attest you can not do the same with babies.

I think a lot of this attitude comes from people who have siblings and just can't imagine being an only child. I get this. I can't imagine having to share my parents with a brother or sister, although I suspect I would have been equally as happy if I did. So it makes sense that the opposite would be true.

There is also the myth of the only child: spoiled, aggressive, selfish, socially inept, lonely, and maladjusted - something that dates back to the late 1800s and some idiot called G. Stanley Hall who called being an only child a "disease". (Thanks for the lifelong stigma, Stan.)

Since then I like to think we've evolved (but maybe I'm too hopeful.) The science bears me out. There have been hundreds and hundreds of research studies that show that only children are no different from their peers. In fact a landmark 20-year study showed that increased one-on-one parenting produces higher education levels, higher test scores and higher levels of achievement. (Can you see me sticking my tongue out and thumbing my nose at you right now?)

A generation ago, only 10 percent of families had only children. Today that percentage has more than doubled. Daisy will likely be one of more than 6 kids in her class who is an only child. The change, by the way, is largely because it costs between $200,000 and $300,000 to raise one child to the age of 17.

(Pause for a moment to avoid hyperventilating. Arrgh! I mean, ARRGGGHHH!)

Many of my friends lovingly call me "spoiled". I've happily lived with that definition for 34 years because I choose to redefine it. To me it means that I have had the undivided attention and financial resources of two loving parents. Given that, why should I be ashamed or apologetic? However, I take umbridge at the assertion that I am a "spoiled" (as in ruined) person any way as a result of that. Although I'm sure that parts of my personality are attributable to being an only child (good and bad), I also can pinpoint many other life experiences that have shaped the person I am today. I know or have met many people with siblings who are aggressive, selfish, socially inept, and (especially) maladjusted. Some of these people are exactly that way because of their siblings.

We are who we are for many different reasons and people. You can't just point to the things you dislike about someone and say it's because he or she is an only child; it's a cop-out, quite frankly.

Further, the other reaction from my (our) decision seems to be that we are (or more specifically me, since everyone would never believe such a thing of my ever-likeable husband and, of course, because he is not an only child himself) selfish. They believe that we don't want to make the sacrifices necessary to have another child (about which they would be right) and they somehow put this in a negative light. It's sort of extended from those overbearing parents who look down on couples who choose to be childless as if they are pariahs of society. This just makes me laff, laff, laff because it's so dumb. There are way too many children born into this world to parents who either didn't plan them, didn't want them, and/or who were ill-equipped to raise them. Isn't it better to be self-aware enough to realize what you want out of life and pursue that rather than having a baby because society says you should?

I, personally, took a long time coming to the decision that it was time to be a mother. Notice I didn't say "have a baby". Too many people think about having a baby as just that - having a baby. They don't think about the time, money, physical and emotional energy it takes to raise that child once it's here. They forget it's a lifelong decision. I, however, thought about it. A lot. I was shit scared. I wavered right up until the December before we started trying. I sat on a beach in Mexico with my Hubby and weighed the pros and cons. We loved our life, we were doing ok financially, we were having a good time. Did we want to mess with that?

Of course, I'm glad we did - I love my little sausage chops with all my heart and I look forward to every new day of watching her learn and grow - but I'm done. I know that. I know what I want from life and I know I'll have to give up a little bit more of that again if I have another child. Health issues aside, that's not something I am comfortable with. I wake up every day loving my life, my husband (my best friend), my daughter, my family. Now why would I want to mess with that?

As for Daisy, she is a sociable little kid. I'll bring her up that way because that's how I am. Of course, she'll be her own person within that and I'll have to take my cues from her, but I'll do what I can to show her the joy of sharing her life with those around her.

Meanwhile, from her Daddy she'll get compassion, sensitivity, and a caring heart. From her Nanny, she'll get a joy for life and a sense that anything is possible. From her Grandad she'll learn the power of a few chosen words and that love is just as valid when given in actions as well as words. Finally, her Grammie will teach her that it's ok to be a little unconventional and to slow down, not buy into society's pressures. Maybe she'll still be stubborn and bossy but I certainly won't conclude that it's because I failed her by not giving her a sibling. She'll be what she's going to be because, you know, she already is.

Babies are not peas. All peas look and taste the same. My Daisy will be an individual that thrives because she is loved and wanted. What more does she need?

On that note, for those of you who have not seen them yet, here are some pics of sausage chops herself at our recent photo shoot...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=37135&id=1061916609&ref=mf

Happy weekend!